With this weekend’s FA Cup Final looming large, and a thrilling climax to the Premier League ahead, we’ve had a bit of a think about how our top clubs would perform if they just happened to be cars. Here are our thoughts:
Arsenal – Audi TT Like its counterparts at the Emirates Stadium, the TT gets a lot of admiring looks – but at the end of the day, its performance can be called into question.
Aston Villa – Renault Laguna This car finished at the bottom of a recent JD Power customer satisfaction survey – much like the club, it’s been deemed unpopular and unpredictable.
Blackburn Rovers – City Rover The team and the car have two distinct features in common, which is why they’re the perfect match: built by India and utterly rubbish this season.
Bolton Wanderers – Ford Cortina 2000E Not even the additional ‘E’ for Executive can heighten the pretensions surrounding this car any further – just like the Trotters of Bolton, this is a car with ideas above its station.
Chelsea – a classic Bentley How else to describe a car that’s getting on in years, is temperamental and costs a fortune to maintain? Step forward, Chelsea!
Everton – Fiat Panda An honest club that’s been accused in the past of punching above its weight; there could be no car better suited for Evertonians than the Panda – equally underappreciated and modest.
Fulham – Ford Mondeo One recent review described the “inoffensive looks” of this “viable competitor in the medium-size segment” – but frankly we’re not sure whether it referred to the Mondeo or the Cottagers.
Liverpool – Alfa Romeo Giulia It’s amazing that Liverpool have made it to two domestic cup finals this season – cars like the Giulia are liable to break down halfway through your trip and cost a heck of a lot on repairs.
Manchester City – Lamborghini Aventador If you’re looking to flash the cash to follow your hobbies, you need only look to one car and one football club. Now, does the Aventador come in sky blue?
Manchester United – Bugati Veron Very fast, like their winger Nani, and very loud like their manager Mr. Ferguson – unfortunately the similarities between the Veron and the Red Devils don’t end there, as they’ll both take forever to pay off the loans.
Newcastle United – Skoda Octavia Estate How the times have changed – Newcastle United, once the butt of many a football fan’s joke, are now amongst the most respected clubs based on recent performance. Former manager Kevin Keegan was also once quoted as saying that he’d “bloody love” to own a Skoda.
Norwich City – Lotus Elise “Let’s be ‘avin’ you!” were the immortal words once uttered by a certain Canary-loving TV chef, but ultimately the Elise reflects poorly on Norwich fans; pretty flashy but overall pretty pointless. And available in yellow.
Queens Park Rangers – Maserati Granturismo There’s really only one way to arrive in the Premier League after you’ve stormed to the Championship title – amongst as much fanfare and noise as possible.
Stoke City – Land Rover With a reputation for being tough and aggressive on the pitch, but not without its faults and weaknesses, there’s no car more comparable to the Potters than a Land Rover.
Sunderland – Nissan Bluebird As well as being the first ever car produced at the NMUK plant In Sunderland during the eighties, the Bluebird also has some similarities to the football club, in that both were viable products until ten years ago.
Swansea City – Gilbern T11 Truly a one-off, the Gilbern T11 model was produced in 2010 after the makers went bust in the seventies. As the first ever Welsh team to play in the Premier League one year on, Swans fans must have felt the same sense of novelty.
Tottenham Hotspur – Vauxhall Nova It’s been given enhancements to inject some pep into it, but frankly it’s just a souped-up hatchback that can’t really hang with the big boys.
West Brom – Ferrari F430 Of course there’s no comparison here (unless new England manager Roy Hodgson knows what he’ll be spending his new wages on), but celebrity fan Eric “Slow Hand” Clapton owns an extensive collection of these flashy cars, and must hope for some of the same good fortune to befall his Baggies.
Wigan Athletic – Hillman Avenger We’re amazed that it’s managed to hold on to its status for all this time – and yet it still runs; truly defying all expectations year after year. Wolverhampton Wanderers – ‘The Homer’ Just like the (albeit fictional) concept car, this team is destined never to get off the ground in terms of Premier League survival.